Know the fine line between being aggressive and being assertive.
You’re standing in a long line at the supermarket check-out counter and you feel yourself beginning to boil since there are only two counters working and three empty counters. “Why do I need to waste my life here when I could be doing a thousand other important things right now?” you think agitatedly to yourself. You feel your pulse beginning to race, your heartbeat hastens, beads of sweat begin to form on your forehead, and the adrenalin flow makes for a flood of racing thoughts as you plan your attack. From the corner of your eye you espy a manager and call out to him in a cynical tone, “I’m taking my groceries home for free since their value is about the same as what I would earn in the time I’ve been waiting here. Why don’t you manage this store and put yourself at cash register three so we don’t all need to spend the night together!” In the best case, you might get checked out quickly. The worst case could be violence, jail time, and your ruination. You never know who is on the other side of your taunts.
For a brief moment you feel falsely exalted and then comes a new series of all too familiar thoughts and feelings, (if you have any kind of a conscience), such as, “I hate myself when I get this way.” And, “Poor guy, he’s just trying to make a living,” or “I can’t believe what a jerk I’ve been.” Anger always boomerangs. Aggression usually doesn’t get us anywhere. Neither does passivity.
Assertiveness is not aggression, passivity, or passive-aggression (a sub-category of aggression which is expressed indirectly such as when someone arrives consistently late for meetings.) Our life experiences should show us that neither aggression nor passivity work in terms of our getting what we want. So, why do we keep acting passive and/or aggressive? Why aren’t we assertive instead?
If we don’t meet our own needs, our levels of stress increase. In order to prevent this, we need to understand that assertiveness is a life skill; meaning, it’s a skill that gets refined over a lifetime. Assertiveness is an art insofar as we have to know when to be assertive, choose the proper words to use when we speak, be conscious of our tone of voice and where we choose to make inflections in our sentences, and of course choose a strategy in terms of what to say.
Assertiveness gets blocked because of our personal history. If someone grew up in an aggressive environment, chances are that they operate out of fear. This means that they can be angry and aggressive as a way of controlling their fear. Additionally, someone could be fearful and, therefore, passive since they were victimized by aggression. In the street, for example, aggression is mostly the rule of thumb since a strong offense is a good defense. Therefore, aggression can be a sub-cultural style, which also raises the issue that assertiveness is different cross-culturally.
In short, we need to bring awareness to our personal style. Are we too passive or too aggressive? What blocks me from being more in the middle zone of assertiveness? Begin assertiveness in small doses: pay someone a compliment, ask a new friend to join you for coffee, and slowly work yourself up to the bigger life tasks such as asking for a raise at work or starting a business, or confronting someone on how their behavior rubs you the wrong way. If you’re assertive, you might just get what you want.
Dr. Roy Spungin is a psychotherapist, organizational consultant, lecturer, and workshop leader. Since 1983, he practiced in Manhattan until he made aliyah four years ago. Dr. Spungin lives and works in the artists’ village of Ein Hod and also has a practice in Tel Aviv. He can be reached at 054-628-3311.
